


A Shattered Ideal

by buzzbuzz34



Category: Rusty Quill Gaming (Podcast)
Genre: Angst, Confinement, Hurt No Comfort, Infection, Love Confessions, M/M, Quarantine, That do not go well
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-14
Updated: 2020-06-14
Packaged: 2021-03-03 19:34:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,065
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24710908
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/buzzbuzz34/pseuds/buzzbuzz34
Summary: While stuck in the inn during quarantine, Zolf and Hamid start arguing again, but this time it's too much for Hamid to bear, and all of his feelings for Zolf take on a new light.
Relationships: Hamid Saleh Haroun al-Tahan/Zolf Smith
Comments: 3
Kudos: 29





	A Shattered Ideal

**Author's Note:**

> Written for a prompt sent on tumblr! The prompt was “I look at you and I… I feel so sad because I love you but I also have been hurt so many times that I don’t think I can forgive and forget” from this post: https://celsidebottom.tumblr.com/post/620827627273535488/prompt-list-5

They’d been fighting. Again. Even with Zolf spending most of quarantine hiding away in his room, the times he emerged and met with Hamid, their conversations often turned to bickering. Hamid hadn’t lived through the onset of this disease, this contagion that threatened the entire world, and Zolf couldn’t handle his bravado in the face of an enemy none of them could recognize. Zolf didn’t enjoy yelling at Hamid, but he had to try and get some sense into his skull.

This time, they’d run into each other in the kitchen. Zolf was making a midnight snack, stirring batter angrily in a bowl, when Hamid wandered in, bleary eyed from another night of restless sleep. Zolf couldn’t even remember what they were arguing about this time. He preemptively offered Hamid a pancake when he had finished making them, and then a few minutes later they were screaming again. 

They fell silent after a while, as their confrontation circled around to the same talking points as it always did, and then silent tears trickled down Hamid’s cheek.

“I hate this,” he said softly. 

“I mean, I’m not thrilled about it either,” Zolf rebuked, but Hamid shook his head and clenched his fists to cut him off. 

“I hate this constant arguing. I look at you and I… I feel so sad because I love you, but I also have been hurt so many times that I don’t think I can forgive and forget.”

“Wait, what?”

Hamid’s voice cracked as he continued to ponder his pain aloud. “I thought that I didn’t realize I loved you until after Prague, after you left, because it was all new to me, and it was confusing. But now, seeing you again, feeling all of the good and the bad, I think that maybe I fell in love with the _idea_ of you. You weren’t there, and I could keep asking myself ‘what would Zolf do?’ or even just pretend that you were there in the hard moments, but none of those instances would have played out the way I thought they might.”

Zolf was silent for a long while, unable to form the right words. 

“I… didn’t know.”

“I didn’t know either, not right away,” Hamid admitted. “Not until I got to Cairo and I wished you were there with me. I liked to think that dealing with family trouble would have been easier if you were there too. I held onto that. And now… I don’t know. I don’t know if time has changed you or if I’d fallen in love with a man that never existed, but one that I’d made up in my head.” Hamid sighed. “Of course I want to keep working with you. Even with the arguing. We’re going to try and fix the world, and you’re definitely the right man for the job. But I was trying so hard to mend not just the world, but _us_ , and now I’m not sure if that’s even possible.”

“Hamid, I…” 

Millions of thoughts raced through Zolf’s head. He had no idea how Hamid felt about him – how could he? And now that he _did_ know, even more guilt coursed through him about leaving in Prague, how he abandoned Hamid and Sasha. But years had passed. Truth be told, Zolf knew he had changed, and he liked to think for the better overall. Whether or not that person was compatible with Hamid in any form of relationship… he really had no way of knowing.

“I’m sorry,” Zolf finally said. 

“It seems a little late for that, I think.”

“Yeah, probably. And I know it doesn’t make any of it right. But I don’t know what else to say.”

Hamid smiled through the pain as another bout of tears poured down his cheeks. “I think part of me was hoping you’d say you loved me too.”

“It’s been a long time for me, Hamid, I don’t know if-”

“It’s okay. I think a bigger part of me hoped you wouldn’t say it. Hoped you didn’t feel that same way. At least then this would be easier on you.”

“Do you really think this is easy on me?” Zolf snapped, his lip quivering. “You were one of the best friends I’ve ever had, and I only knew you for a couple of weeks! Weeks during which I was a horrible friend! I was so thrilled to have you back, to not just know that you were alive but that you were _here_ , and it breaks my heart every time we fight, but I can’t just let you blindly march into a situation you know almost nothing about.”

Hamid clenched his jaw. “I need you to trust me.”

“I _do_. That’s why I don’t want you to get hurt, or hurt anyone else, like the kobolds, by giving false hope when there’s no basis for it. You think you can fix a worldwide catastrophe in a matter of days when we’ve been at it for months.”

Hamid didn’t reply, but wiped his face as he had no more tears to shed. After what felt like an eternity, he said, “I’ll leave you to finish making your pancakes, then.”

“Do you still want some? I know it’s weird after everything, but that offer definitely still stands.”

“No, I’m good. Oddly enough, I think I lost my appetite.”

Zolf looked down at the lumpy batter in the bowl and couldn’t help but feel the same way. 

“Goodnight, Zolf.”

“Hamid, wait.”

He stood in the doorframe, not turning to face Zolf but waiting to listen. 

“I loved you too, you know. I think I still do. And, I guess, I hope that maybe if we fix the world, we can… maybe we can try again.”

Hamid let out a hollow chuckle. “I would like that. But I don’t think I can bear having my heart broken by you anymore.”

With that, Hamid left the kitchen, one last sob echoing down the hallway as he departed, and Zolf was left alone. He turned back to his pancakes, not sure what else he could possibly do. It wasn’t as if he could go to sleep now, with every emotion at once running through his head and making him want to scream.

The last thing he’d ever wanted was for Hamid to be hurt. He never thought he’d be the one to hurt him so irreparably. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoyed the angst! 
> 
> If you want to find more of my work, head on over to kellanswritingblog.tumblr.com. Recently I've written a lot of short tma fics that I've only posted there. 
> 
> Or feel free to check out my personal blog, celsidebottom.tumblr.com. And feel free to send me any of the prompts in the list linked above!


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